Day To Day

Still not really out of my Mom funky depression, so I haven't had the heart to write here the last few days.

When I started, I was strong, determined, confident. These last few days, I am feeling hopeless and depressed, wishing "it" would just go away and stop dragging me down. Nothing very dramatic has happened, it's just the day to day grind, seeing Mom so beaten down by the disease. I don't know how Dad does it, he's simply amazing.

We haven't noted too much difference with the drop in the Namenda drug yet, but it is still early in the experiment. She's still nervous, shaking and panting, as well as nodding off a lot. All she wants me to do is read aloud to her. So far I've read to her "The Secret Garden," by Frances Hodgson Burnett; "An Afternoon Walk," by Dorothy Eden; "The Vines Of Yarrabee," also by Dorothy Eden; and now she has started a historical book called "A Maine Hamlet," by Lura Beam. All of these books include a lot of descriptions of flowers and landscape, clothing and foods. Two of them were set in the early 1900's, and the latest book is about life in Maine in the 1800's.

I'll read a chapter aloud to her, and then she'll lift her nodded head and open her closed eyes and stare at me, like a doggie asking for another dog treat. It seems to be the only thing she can concentrate on. My voice lulls her into a world that is the next best thing to the escape of sleep.

Yesterday, I mostly read to her. On a break, I managed to convince her to let me trim and file her fingernails, but she was anxious and bratty the whole time. Though "bratty" is really an unfair word, it's just the closest thing I can come up with to describe the behavior that the Alzheimer's brings out in her. It can be hard to separate the acting out; sometimes I think it's Mom - her real personality, being a brat - but then I have to remind myself that it's not her, it's the brain damage.

We may be getting closer to needing more help soon. I am not sure how Dad is feeling - we hardly get a chance to have a decent conversation without Mom listening and getting upset. You'd think that it would be easy for us to talk, but it's not. Either one of us has to be in her presence all of the time. I'm happy he at least gets the chance to still get out to church every week, try to live "normally" for a couple of hours. However, if he's anything like me, I know Mom is lurking in the forefront of his mind at all times....

Suckfest.

Maybe I'll feel better after today. I'm heading over soon. When I'll get a chance to vacuum, I'll never know. Can't do it with her there anymore.

Oh, and Dad's birthday is on Wednesday.. We are going to try and get all three of us down to the one o'clock AD support group in town that day, and then Dad wants to attend his church board meeting that night. Plus, Mom has her bath that morning. THAT should be a fun day.

NOT.