It's Not All About You, Mom!

I've said that once or twice to her, earlier. It's really not the right thing to say, though... so I've got to bite my tongue and swallow my frustration and put on a smile. I did that today, and it worked. And all I was doing was trying to change her socks..

Sunday morning I went over as usual to stay with her while Dad went to choir rehearsal and church. Shortly after I went there, I casually asked her if she would like to change her clothes..   I should know better.. it creates tremendous stress for her, and immediately, she went into meltdown mode. Much like a toddler, really, wining and crying and wanting to run away. She had been wearing the same clothes since her last bath on Wednesday, and the pants she was wearing kept slipping down too low, showing her underpants, because she's lost so much weight and none of her clothes fit her like they used to. Foolishly, knowing I was wrong to do so, I tried to reason with her. But I know it's a losing battle, because my reason is no longer her reason. What makes sense to me makes no sense to her.

November 22, 2010

It's so hard to not be hurt by what she says sometimes. "I was so looking forward to you coming over today." "I just want this to be over with this so I won't be a burden to anyone anymore." "I just wish he would come home."

Thankfully, before it got any worse, I dropped it..  She had risen from her chair to escape the conflict.. I followed her, asked her to face me, and gave her a hug to soothe her. I told her I love her and told her it was all okay, we don't have to change her clothes, we will sit down and relax.

The rest of day went as usual, a walk and lunch, and when Dad called from church to check in, I heard her say to him, "She wanted to give me a bath, but I didn't want to, so I won that war!" I said aloud, "Not a bath, just change your clothes!" but she couldn't hear that, so "a bath" it was. When she passed the phone to me, I gave him the condensed and correct story (our reality), and Dad said, "So she's kind of ornery today, eh?" We have to find humor when we can.

Later, I went to my afternoon gig, but it was hard for me to shed the morning off. Luckily, I can talk to my friends there and they are sympathetic.

It's not all about you, Mom. 

Monday, I only spent about an hour and a half with her, and she was her usual frenetic self. She's up, she's down, her mind is short. What can you do, really, but ride the wave of Mom?

Today, I spent a good four hours with her. I arrived shortly after her lunch, and after I suggested a few ideas for activities, I realized in reality, she wanted to nap. "Would you like to take a nap now?" "Yes," she said, so I helped her over to the couch and placed the blanket on her and she napped for nearly two hours. I felt a little guilty about letting her sleep so long, but at the same time, I was tired and my shoulder was bugging me and it was a relief to me to just sit and watch television and read while she slept. There really wasn't too much for me to do (I had cleaned the kitchen floor on Sunday, there was no laundry to speak of, really), so I just stayed calm and waited for the time to pass.

After she woke, I made a snack of peeled apple and cheese and crackers (though she only wanted the apple.. she is so finicky with food these days), then some tea, then we took a short walk around the house. Her socks got wet from the damp grass, and I told her we were going to change her socks. I was able to do it, but she still gave me grief. She worries about the laundry.. I remind her she doesn't need to worry about it because I am doing it (and Maria always puts in a load after her Wednesday morning bath time).

So today, when I realized she began to get stressed about changing her socks and laundry, I said, "I know it's hard, but do you trust me? Because, remember Mom, I am on your side." "Yes," she said, "I trust you." Sigh.

Dad came home, we helped put away the groceries he picked up from the market. He had met with his minister again. He shared that the minister gave him good advice. Mom asked, "What did you talk about?" And Dad replied, "About you, mostly." This freaked her out a little, but then they hugged and he was so sweet and understanding with her I nearly cried again.. I am so glad Dad has the minister to help him through this. Somehow, we are gaining tiny steps towards understanding and compassion and resolve about Mom suffering from this awful, horrible, mind robbing disease.

It is all about Mom now, but the ripples flow wide.