Facing Fears

Yesterday, Mom was very groggy in the morning hours. Dad had had to give her one extra Haldol and later, one extra Ativan, in order to get her to settle in and sleep all night.

A home health worker came at around eleven-thirty and gave Mom a little sponge bath and change. Mom skipped lunch all together, opting for more sleep. I read a lot to her, though I'm not sure how much she really heard.

The hospital bed arrived around twelve-thirty, and the man very quickly and efficiently set it up and showed us how it works. An early email report from Dad today reports that Mom slept fairly well in it last night (Friday night), and he had no need to give her extra medications.

A little after one-thirty, I think it was, the sun was beaming and warm, and I was able to convince Mom to go sit outside on the side porch off their bedroom. Just as we settled down, I saw our next appointment drive up. Lissa is a chaplain who works on the team at the agency, and she joined the three of us outside on the porch for awhile, and explained her part of the network of supporters.

After about twenty minutes, we went back inside and Lissa sat close with Mom and asked her if she was afraid of dying. Mom began to cry and said yes, that she didn't want to not go on living. It was heartbreaking to see Mom express herself so, but it was really good that Lissa broke the ice a little. She got Mom to "face" the fear and Mom yelled out the big scary word DEATH. Then she became very upset and asked to be helped to stand up. Dad got her up and walked around with her, giving Lissa a chance to ask me about a few things. Then she mentioned that if I got a chance, to ask Mom if she was afraid of dying or afraid of being dead. I said I suspected it was the former, but I said I would ask her if the opportunity came up.

Lissa left, leaving us her phone number so that we could call her any time to make an appointment to talk, and promised to call next week to check in, either way. Then Dad went down town, and Mom was calm again on the couch. I continued to read aloud from Little Women (it's one long book.) When Dad came back, it was my turn to go down town. Back home, I went back over to Mom and Dad's at five.

I had purchased an Easter Lilly and brought it over, and Mom enjoyed that. Dad had to run back down town to get some pills (they weren't ready earlier), and so I stayed with Mom for another thirty-five minutes or so. Mom asked me how I liked "the woman that came earlier today." I said I liked her.. then we were able to talk some more, and I was able to ask Mom the question, and she answered as I thought she might. That allowed me to assure her that, if she should pass away before any of us, we would all be very sad but okay, as she has surely left her mark on all of us, and she would still be alive in our hearts forever. She seemed to hear that, and she did not get upset again.

Well, a little later she did, but that was just the usual old sundowners cropping up.. but I got her up, offered her a glass of wine, and before we knew, she was calm again, in her chair, watching the news and sipping on her wine. I was happy to have Dad come home to that scene.

I left while the getting was good then. Another emotional day to mull over.